even though there's always something with you...

Julian ran his hands through his hair. "You're overreacting."

"I'm OVERREACTING? What do you mean I'm OVERREACTING?"

"You're making too much out of this." He sighed and flopped down on the couch. "It's not a big deal."

"Maybe not to you." I was pacing back and forth in front of him, biting the skin around my purple-polished nails.

He motioned for me to go over to him.

"No. I feel like pacing. I feel like being upset."

"But there's nothing to be upset about." I could tell he was starting to lose his cool.

"Oh. Of course not. Silly me. You were kissing CHLOE, Julian."

"It was a friendly kiss."

"Last time I checked you didn't give Rory tongue when you kissed her."

He leaned his head back on the couch and said nothing.

"So you went back to kissing Chloe. Is the next step drugs again?"

"NO!"

I had known it would get to him. He'd been so good at avoiding drugs. He hadn't gone to very many parties. If he got tempted at one of the ones we did go to, he would tell me and we would leave. He'd done so well and he seemed to be so proud of himself. I was proud of him too, but there was always fear there. A fear that he would be offered cocaine and not be able to find me and tell me we had to go, not be able to turn it down, and that I'd find him with another girl again. Seeing him kissing Chloe had only added more fuel to the fire.

"Oh, really? Because you told me that you weren't going to see Chloe again. You went back on that. Why should I believe that you're not going to go back on the coke thing? Why should I NOT be expecting to find you fucking someone else while completely blown out of your mind?"

And that was when the yelling began.

"Because I'm not going to do that! Kissing Chloe was a slip! I was slightly drunk, remember? You were too, and if that pipsqueak Malcolm hadn't said anything, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

"It's not Malcolm's fault!"

"It's not Malcolm's business either!"

"He was just trying to look out for my best interests."

"No. He was just trying to find the easiest way into your pants."

"That's not true!" I objected.

"The hell it's not!"

By this time he had stood up and we were facing each other square on, yelling in each other's faces about some guy we barely knew.

Malcolm had only started going out with us not too long before this particular episode happened. It hadn't occured to me that he had any interest in me outside of friendship. He HAD pointed out Chloe and Julian, though that didn't take away from the fact that they were kissing. The fact that Malcolm had pointed it out just didn't let Julian off the hook.

I took a deep breath. "Whether or not Malcolm wants to fuck me has very little to do with the fact that you were kissing Chloe, Julian."

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "That may be true, but me kissing Chloe wasn't a big deal."

I rolled my eyes. "You keep saying that."

"Because it's true."

"But you haven't apologized once!"

"Because it's not a big deal!"

"To YOU! To me, it IS a big deal."

"Why?"

"Because it's Chloe!" I said, exasperated. "Because you were with her for a very long time and we all know she'd love to get you back."

"But it was just a kiss."

"And we all know where kissing leads."

Julian scoffed. "Not very many places anymore."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Gee, I'm sorry. I forgot that your life and our relationship revolve solely around sex. Maybe if I had lost MY virginity at twelve and slept with ten times as many people, I'd be so used to having it all the time that I'd be able to keep up with you. But you know what? Getting laid is not my top priority in this."

"So what IS your top priority?"

"Right now, I couldn't tell you."

We stared at each other for a moment, not knowing what to say.

Julian finally turned away from my gaze.

"I'm going to go in there," I said, pointing to the bathroom. "And I am going to take a shower. After that, I'm going to go out. I would prefer not to see you again until tonight at Thom's."

He nodded, glancing up at me before walking into the bedroom and closing the door.

I sighed heavily and collapsed onto the couch. I knew it was wrong to push the issue too much. Julian HAD been drunk at the time. It may very well have been a drunken mistake. I still wanted to see him show regret over it.

Julian never really had been the type to apologize for things. Not very often, at least. If something happened, it happened. One couldn't change what had already passed. But he knew he was in the wrong. What he didn't know was why exactly it bothered me so much.

While I was in the shower, he didn't leave the bedroom. He was just a dark lump on the bed as I went in to get clothes. I shut the door quietly as I left.

By the time I had reached the car, I knew where I was going. On the way, I sang very loudly along with the radio, trying not to think, just do. And when I finally pulled to a stop in front of the little white house that served as my destination, I had almost forgotten why exactly I'd gone.

Almost.

I took a deep breath as I rang the bell and waited. Listening closely, I heard footsteps, and my breathing halted for a split second as the locks were undone. The door opened and I was greeted with the face of my ex-boyfriend Sam.

"Hey, girl. What's up?"

I closed my eyes as the memories his voice brought to mind washed over me, and I let out a long sigh. "I wanted to talk to you."

"It's been awhile."

"Yeah. I know."

Sam stepped out onto the porch. "What's going on?"

Sitting down on his front step with him next to me, I started the story of Julian. Sam didn't understand at first why I was telling him. Until I got to the part about Chloe.

"Oh," he said after I finished.

"Yeah."

"So I thought I'd come here and go over our little nightmare again. Just for old time's sake."

Sam's face grew tense. "Do we have to?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"But what's the problem with this guy? He's already done stuff way beyond me. I'm surprised you've kept him around."

"He's different than you are, Sam. Or, well, I'm different. It feels different... It's just different.

Sam sighed before getting back to the point. "What about our 'nightmare' do you care to revisit?"

"The why part. Did we ever go over that fully?"

"Well, with this new guy..."

"We're not talking about Julian anymore."

He nodded. "Why did I sleep with Kara? Because I could, maybe? Because you seemed so distant at the time, because I was so jealous."

"Of what?"

"You and Richard were hitting it off so well..."

"So that made you sleep with my best friend? In our bed?"

"Jealousy makes you do crazy things, huh?"

"You never explained it like that before."

"I know."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't want that answer. You were too busy leaving."

I sighed and turned to stare out towards the street. "Julian said he was just drunk."

"But he mentioned Malcolm in his outburst?"

I nodded.

"So maybe it's the same."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"He hasn't slept with her, Kat."

"I know... Why does history repeat itself, Sam?"

He looked down at his hands a minute, thinking. "Because we don't learn our lessons the first time around. We keep making the same mistakes over and over."

"What lesson am I missing? Julian's different than you. He and I are different than we were."

"But that doesn't mean the same mistakes can't be made. You ran away from our problem as opposed to dealing with it. It sounds like you're starting to do the exact same thing with him. I mean, you worked through other stuff that's much worse."

"I know. I just... There always seems to be something. Why can't it be perfect?"

"Nothing's perfect, Kat."


On the way to Thom's that night, my stomach started to knot up. I increased my speed, wanting to get to the party as fast as possible. Surely nothing was wrong there. What could have happened? It was just my anxiety over the situation with Julian.

I was 3 blocks away from Thom's apartment when my cell phone started to ring. There was a sharp pain in my stomach as I answered.

Rory sounded panicked. "Kat?"

"What happened?"

"Where are you?" Her voice was wavering. Why hadn't she answered my question?

"I'm a block and a half from Thom's. What's going on, Rory?"

"Do you know where St. Luke's is?"

My heart rate jumped at the name. "The hospital?"

"Yeah."

"Yes, I know where it's at. Did something happen to Julian?"

"Just get to St. Luke's emergency room."

"Is that where you are?"

"Almost."

"Rory, tell me what's going on!" I practically shrieked, trying to control myself and the U-turn I was making.

"I don't want to talk about this over the phone, Kat."

"Just tell me. Is it Julian?"

"Yes."

<< * ^^ * >>

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