spirals of you and me crash and collide

We were standing in the kitchen. I was cutting carrots to snack on and Julian was leaning against the counter beside me watching.

"How many girls have you slept with?" I asked, non-chalantly.

He did a double take. "What?"

"How many girls have you slept with?"

"Is this going to lead into a discussion about-"

"No. Definitely not."

"Why are you asking then?"

I shrugged. "I'm curious. I just realized that I didn't know."

"Is it important?"

"Well, I mean, as long as you don't have any diseases or illegitimate children, probably not."

"So do I have to answer?"

I put the knife down and turned to face him with a smirk and my arms crossed in front of me. "Yes."

"What will you do if I don't?"

I shrugged and starting playing with the knife. "Oh... I don't know."

He chuckled. "Nice." He paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Too many. Is that a good enough answer?"

"Nope."

Running his hands through his hair, he sighed. "All right. Proabably close to forty. Maybe a little less, maybe a little more."

"Forty?"

"Sounds like a lot, doesn't it?"

"Are you sure that's right? I mean, did you keep track that well?"

"It's an estimation."

I turned back to my carrot-cutting. "Wow. Makes you wonder about that phrase 'you're sleeping with everyone your partner ever has,' huh?"

"Oh no."

I looked up. "What?"

"Are you going to go all weird and stuff?"

I shook my head and leaned over to kiss him. "Absolutely not."

"Sure?"

"I'm sure."

Julian nodded and started munching on a piece of carrot. "What about you?"

"Oh, well, comparatively speaking-"

"We're not comparing."

I smiled sheepishly. "Um, four?"

"Four?"

"Yeah."

"I think you're blushing. Why are you blushing?"

I shrugged.

He tugged at my sleeve and I set down the knife. I moved so I was standing directly in front of him and leaned against him. Julian took my head in his hands and smiled. "You're so cute."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?"

"Nothing."

He kissed me. "Well, you are."

"Thank you," I said, smiling.

We kept having moments like this. Moments where there was such electricity in the room that you could hear it crackle and pop. Moments where he was being so adorable to me that I was melting all over the floor. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to so badly. It was the only thing I could think of to say.

Julian studied me. "What?"

I met his eyes and shrugged.

He gave me a suspicious look.

My eyes shifted away from his. I felt so silly. I was more scared about uttering those three little words than I had been about anything for quite some time. My heart beat loudly in my chest as I took a deep breath, my eyes locking with his again. It was then or never. "I love you."

Julian smiled softly, pulling me closer, and starting to kiss me again.

The kisses turned more heated and I found myself lying on my back on the kitchen floor with Julian on top of me, unbuttoning my shirt. He wasn't saying it back. Instead of saying it, he was trying to show me and I wasn't comfortable with that.

"What?" he asked, still breathing heavily.

I had pushed him off of me. Something about the situation just didn't feel right. Looking back, it seems stupid, but I wanted to hear him say it back. I didn't just want to assume anything. I wanted to KNOW.

"Why can't you say it back?" I asked while I started buttoning my shirt back up.

"What?" he repeated.

"I grew up in a family that always told each other how much they cared. If you said 'I love you', you heard it back. Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't that normally how it's supposed to go? Granted, I haven't always heard it said back, but I just thought..."

Julian sighed and leaned back against a cabinet. "You wanted to hear it back?"

"Having sex doesn't mean that you love me."

"I know."

Why wasn't he answering me? I had not said it and not said it because I hadn't wanted to freak him out again, but he wasn't freaking out. He was acting almost as if it didn't matter that I had said it.

"Maybe I just put too much on hearing it back."

"Maybe."

"Maybe you don't want to say it back."

He didn't say anything.

After a few moments of silence, I stood up and left the room. I wasn't sure why exactly it was such a big deal that he say it back to me. I mean, in the long run it didn't matter, did it? He was with me. He had said he didn't want to be with anyone else. Why wasn't that enough?

I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for awhile before calling Rory. When I walked past the kitchen on my way out the door, Julian was still in the same spot I had left him in, staring at the floor.

"I'm going over to Rory's for a bit. Do you want me to pick up some food or anything on my way back?" I asked, pulling my jacket on.

He looked up and nodded.

"Chinese?"

He just nodded again.

"Maybe I'll grab a movie too."

More nodding.

"Any preferences?"

"Whatever-" His voice faltered and he swallowed before continuing. "Whatever you want."

It was my turn to nod. "I'll be back in a bit, then."

After nodding once more, he went back to staring at the floor.

I started for the door, but went back and gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaving. I wanted to tell him not to stress about it, but didn't. If he wanted to, that was fine. It would be completely back to normal by the time I got back.

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